So, looking at my previous post, all those things were thrown out the window. I am all talk arent I? lol Here it is over a year later posting a new blog, and lifestyle change? I still struggle. It gets better daily though. I've learned that you cant make a dirastic change...sometimes it has to start slowly. If I can change and master one thing just maybe I can move onto another.
There are so many things to talk about and I just dont have the energy. Assuming no one reads this I'm probably not disapointing anyone but myself.
It being almost september and this day marking my halfway point in my nursing school career, things are looking up. Honestly though, they couldnt go that much farther down. You know I shouldnt say that. That is not a true statement. Things could be much worse, and I am so very blessed that they arent. I guess a more accurate statement is that I and my husband have had quite the year of growing and struggling and me personally a lot of revalation. Not in a way that you would think us being married just over two years now.
I guess what I could do is make a list of what I have learned this year so far. I will try to keep it optamistic and posative.
1. Marriage is a journey. I've learned that when you think you know something, you really dont and sometimes that reality is just wonderful. I guess that is how I view Mark and the life we share. I'm daily surprised at the things there are to learn about eachother.
2. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. I learned this the hard way. My parents are in the middle of a seperation after 25 years. For a while I was stuck in the middle. I had to take myself out of the equation for my own sanity. It was making me sick physically, emotionally. I was not functioning. Especially when it came to my relationship with my dad. This is where I had my biggest revalation. Everything was so mixed up and there was such a war of words and my heart just ached. He had nothing good to say when it came to my mom and he was calling me over and over and over, and I got too stressed out. I told him I needed space. This is where it got ugly. Initially, I just needed the space, and he wouldnt give it to me. I needed him to leave me alone for a while. But with every phone call email hateful words he pushed me farther away. I slipped into a really bad depression. I just wasnt myself. I sought some counseling through support services with my work. That is really when the dam broke. I told myself I wouldnt go into much detail, but here I am doing it anyway. The counceler had me fill out a questionair before we started. I thought I had come to talk to him about the troubles i was having with my family and how i would cope with it...but he had hit the nail on the head by questioning me about what I had filled out. Before I had a chance to talk about what I had come for he had me talking about my childhood and experiences I've had over the years. That is when I started remembering things, and that is when I started to get angry.
3. Anger is the third thing I have learned this year, and it is not something I nessearily like to talk about but it's there. I think it's always been there but i refused to deal with it. I got angry at my dad. I got angry at the words of hate, his actions, his treatment to me my mom my brothers and those he's come in contact with over the years. I got really angry. The more I remembered, the more angrier I got. So before I had asked my dad for space because i wasnt able to take care of myself, but now I wasnt talking because I was angry and I didnt want to say something that would hurt or disrespect him..
4. I learned that as christians we fall into a trap, at least I did anyway. I thought in order to forgive someone you had to put whatever they did away and just n ow deal with it. As I've found out you cannot do that. It builds into this pressurised dam that blows eventually. In my case it was 24 years of putting away the things I was angry about. What I was hurt about. You know that leads me to the next lesson I've learned.
5. It is ok to feel things even if it's not acceptable in the eyes of others. By dealing with those things and asking the Lords help He redeams us of those feelings. We dont have to deal with them anymore. I think before what I didnt understand was instead of trusting the Lord to help me move forward with those things I was hiding them away...and that isnt really forgiving at all it's just keeping yourself in denial about the things you've decided to hide or burry.
6. I've learned that is ok to ask for help.
7 I've learned that it's ok to choose not to be abused; even if that means a protection order against your father. This was a last resort. It wasnt until he started threatening Mark and I and harrassing us with extended family members did we seek this option out. It's really unfortunate, but with all honesty it is a relief. There is joy in my home. There is peace and I'm happy.
8. In regards to school and in light of all that has gone on this year...I just keep my head up and move forward.
This really is a long post. I guess I had the energy after all.
I'm going to go start dinner.
Tootles.
Ashley
